Tales From the Terran Republic

I look at the three different outfits that I brought with me and I just can’t decide which one is the best for today darn it! It’s a big day after all! I finally pooping made it to flushing Terra! Woo! I wasn’t sure I would make it but I did!

I still can’t decide. I guess I will start with some accessories. I open my box of bows and, yes. I think the lavender one with the teal sparkles will work! That means that I will go with the lavender dress with the flowers.

There! The bow looks pooping perfect! Now just a little sprinkle of glitter on my face… not too much. I don’t want to look slutty or anything!

I look in the mirror in my little cabin and well… that’s going to have to do it. I pack up my stuff and take a deep breath and step outside.

All the guys are there waiting for me. They looked pretty scary when I first hopped onto their freighter but it turns out that they are all great guys! I sure was lucky after those other jerkfaces. I had to zap them! Bet they weren’t expecting that!

“I guess this is it, huh?” Borch says and gave me a big furry hug. He gives the absolute best hugs! I’m going to miss him. I’m going to miss them all actually.

“Yeah,” I say trying not to tear up (Scum! I’m really really really going to miss these guys!)

“Too bad you can’t stay on with us. You make a good deckhand. We’d keep you except for… you know...” Captain Hollister says as he gave me a big squeezy human hug. Humans are every bit as strong as they look! “We got you something for you. Hope it doesn’t come in handy.”

He then gives me a little gift wrapped box covered in glitter.

“You guys…” I say starting to choke up a little, “You didn’t have to do that!” I open the box and Holy Waters of the Eternal Pond! It’s a pistol! A real live Terran pistol! It’s so tiny!

“This is a .32 ACP. You won’t be knocking over any banks with it but it’s light and comfortable enough to keep on you all the time. Just a little something to remember us by. It’s a double action only semi-automatic. I know you already know how to use it.”

Oh scum! This is too much! I start to cry. I didn’t want to do that!

“Oh it’s perfect!” I gush and I mean it too! It’s just perfect! It fits my pads perfectly! It’s perfect!

“We had to pay extra for the pink grips!” Clyde says as he grins underneath his beard. I throw my arms around him and give him a huge hug. “I’m going to miss you little frog.” he says as he hugs me back. “Hope you have a great life here.”

“Oh I know I will!” I say with a little squeak. I squeaked. Pond scum! I hate it when I squeak.

“Well, this ain’t going to get any easier,” Captain Hollister said, “C’mon. Let me help you with your bags.”

I look back at the guys and wave trying not to tear up too much. They have been just great. I couldn’t ask for a better crew to crash with. Well, I guess there is no sense in lingering. Terra is just on the other side of the cargo doors!

***

Agent Klostn was walking along the docking bays with his tablet and George, his K-9. The bloodhound trotted alongside wagging his tail. He had a powerful scanner, of course, but ol’ George would occasionally pick up on something that he missed. Unlike dogs trained to find chemical and biological weapons, or other contraband (not that there is a whole lot illegal on Terra), George was trained to find the “weird stuff”. Ol’ George got a workout most days.

Agent Klostn looked at his tablet.

“Hmm. We have Hollister in bay six. Let’s start there George,” he said as George looked up at him happily. Klostn looked down at the dog and smiled. “Come on, there is no telling what that bastard has this time. Bet you find something weird! Let’s go!” George, sensing upcoming fun, started bouncing about. Hollister was a “porkie” but you wouldn’t know it. He was good people… even if he did sometimes try to sneak things past customs. Then again, that did make him seem at least a little Terran. ȓ₳ＮỐʙĘŝ

He and George entered docking bay six and there was Hollister and standing right beside him was… something. She (?) was wearing a long old fashioned looking dress and a huge sparkly bow on the top of her head and had a comically large handbag. She was also was clutching a single suitcase that actually looked like an old fashioned suitcase.

George immediately took an interest. A new species, definitely something “weird”.

“Mornin’ Hollister,” Agent Klostn said cocking an eyestalk at the strange alien. What do you have for me today?

“Hey, Agent Klostn. Great to see you again,” Captain Hollister said with a smile. “Just some assorted consumer goods for the discriminating Federation expat and one passenger. This is Sheloran, a Plath, and she hitched a ride with us and is looking to enter the Republic.”

“Hi,” The little Plath said in a timid voice. “Nice to meet you. May the Waters grant you good fortune,” she said with a nervous looking smile.

“Thanks,” Agent Kolstn said wiggling his eyestalks in the Kalesh equivalent of a smile and then turned his attention to Hollister, “No unregistered produce, potentially invasive lifeforms, or exotic pets this time?”

“Hell no! Not after the hurting you bastards put on me last time. I damn near had to hock my ship!” Hollister laughed, “I thought you Terrans were supposed to be laid back.”

“Well we are… except when we aren’t,” Agent Kolstn laughed and cocked an eyestalk towards Sheloran, “So what has a nice person like you running with these criminals?”

“Well-” Sheloran started when Captain Hollister cut her off.

“Oh she was a little light on the funds so we let her work for her passage. She can wax the hell out of a deck plate,” Hollister said while shooting Sheloran a meaningful glance.

“Hmm...” Agent Kolstn said with a suspicious flick of his eyestalks as he watched Sheloran fidget nervously, “I see… Well, let’s get you processed. Come this way, please. Hollister, you are going to have to wait.”

Agent Kolstn led Sheloran off to an interview room and sat behind a desk.

“Alright, let’s get you set up,” Agent Kolstn said with a wiggle of his eyestalks, “We like to interview people who arrive through ‘non standard’ methods a little more closely but this shouldn’t take too long. Just relax and answer the questions truthfully and to the best of your abilities.”

“Um, ok.” Sheloran smiled nervously.

“Normally people who arrive in the back of freighters aren’t just visiting. Am I correct in assuming that you wish to take up residence in the Republic, perhaps become a citizen?”

“Oh yes, please.” Sheloran said with a big smile, “I’ve always wanted to come here!”

“Good call. The Republic is a fantastic place to live and work. We definitely need more residents. The more the merrier.” Agent Kolstn said as he started to type on his computer. “Are you interested in citizenship or do you just want permanent resident status?”

“I would like to become a citizen, please.”

“Another good call. Now first off, do you have any weapons on you? If so, please put them on the desk.”

Sheloran pulled out her skull-splitter from her handbag, a bright purple plastic pistol decorated with flower petals in clear resin that had a scorched and melted barrel from her waistband, and her brand new .32. Agent Kolstn’s eyes widened in surprise. He definitely did not expect the splitter… or the pistol… or what was definitely a zapper, an illegally modified Federation stunner.

“One second,” he said pleasantly as he picked up a telephone. After a brief pause he said, “Chief, I think you want to come down here. I think we have a good one."

His suspicions were confirmed as Sheloran shifted uncomfortably in her seat. He knew a “good one” when he saw one. In his job he had gotten good at spotting the interesting cases and he bet this was going to be good.

“Is… Is everything ok?” Sheloran asked nervously.

“Oh of course,” he fibbed. “Nothing to worry about, just a formality.”

It didn’t take long for the Chief to arrive, his eyestalks glittering with anticipation. When Klostn said he had a “good one” he usually had a “good one”. He took one look at the little Plath and then at the table and he just couldn’t wait for this one.

“Hello, I’m Chief Zareln. I run this little patch of insanity. And you are?”

“Sh… Sheloran. My name is Sheloran.”

“And what species are you exactly? I haven’t seen one of you come through here.”

“I’m a Plath,” she said nervously as she fidgeted.

“Interesting. I always like meeting a new species,” he said as he entered “Plath” on his tablet. “Wow, you are certainly a long way from home aren’t you.”

“Yeah...” she said in a small quiet voice.

“So what brings you to the Republic?” The chief asked.

“I want to come and live here.”

“Any reason why?”

“I always wanted to come to the Terran Republic,” she said in a tiny little voice as she looked away.

“Mmm hmm. Any reason in particular that encouraged you to leave your home, a definitely non-Plath move, travel across the known galaxy in the back of a freighter full of suspicious characters, and show up here, today?”

“They aren’t suspicious characters,” Sheloran said regaining her confidence, “They are actually really nice guys.”

“And you are actually really deflecting my question,” the chief said almost shaking with anticipation. This was about to get really good. “Any reason like, oh I don’t know… Something like being a fugitive?”

Sheloran just fell silent and looked down.

“Ah,” the chief said as Kolstn started typing again, “A fugitive from justice, or what passes for Federation justice anyway.” The chief looked at her with sympathetic eyes. “It’s ok. We get a lot of Federation fugitives and it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t come in but you need to tell us the truth from now on, ok?”

Sheloran just nodded. The chief pulled out a scanner and passed it over the splitter and let out a low whistle.

“This skull-splitter is the real deal, human bone and everything. How in blazes did you get this?”

“That’s a really funny story,” Sheloran said perking up a bit. “I worked in a bank back home and it got robbed by real live Terrans! One of them was a Martian and mailed it to me later on, along with a copy of Federation Fun Time!”

“A bank robbery, in this day and age?”

“Yeah! They cleaned out our local buffer and then accessed the Federation banking system and stole millions!”

“Well, learn something new every day. I didn’t know you could do that,” the chief said his eyes sparkling with joy. And we’re off! he thought to himself. “And the zapper?"

“Oh I made it!” Sheloran said with pride.

“A bank teller made a zapper?”

“Yep! Outland Bound has a fantastic crafting system. I just did it like I did in the game!”

“You learned how to modify a stunner into a potentially lethal weapon from a computer game?” the chief asked incredulously.

“You betcha!” Sheloran said with pride and then added sheepishly, “I really like Terran computer games.” She then brightened back up. “I guess I don’t have to keep that a secret now,” she said happily, “I absolutely love Terran computer games!”

Kolstn continued to type as he shook his “head”. This was new.

“I see...” the chief said, “I didn’t peg you for a computer gamer.”

He then realized that his son played Outland Bound. Maybe he should look into that.

“Oh I am! I play all the ones I can get my hands on though that was hard back home.”

“I bet,” the chief said with a smile, “though I am willing to bet you aren’t on the run over a computer game.”

“Actually I am,” Sheloran said with a bit of annoyance. “Well, that’s what started the whole thing.”

“Ok, I sense a story here. Just start from the beginning,” the chief said with an expectant smile as Kolstn continued to type.

“Ok,” Sheloran said warming to the tale, “It all started with that bank robbery. I told you that one of the robbers, probably a Martian ‘cause she had a splitter. It was a really nice one too! Well she found out thanks to my dummy of a friend (I love her but sometimes I swear…) that we knew that it was a skull-splitter and we played games so after they left she sent me the splitter and a cracked copy of Federation Fun Time… With Species Master!”

“Federation Fun Time?”

“Oh it’s a bad one,” Agent Kolstn interjected, “It has a full five skull rating.”

“Five skull rating?” the chief asked, completely confused.

“That means it is one of the worst, most violent, most completely messed-up games ever written. I played it and it’s pretty nasty. I returned it. It was just too much.”

The chief looked over at Sheloran. “And you played it?”

“Oh yes! It’s the best! And with Species Master I can play it as my own species!” Sheloran gushed. “They even say that the Species Master DLC was a move by Republic PSYOPS to encourage violence in the Federation!”

“You don’t say...” the chief said as he idly moved the weapons out of Sheloran’s reach.

“Ok, you got a copy of Federation Fun Time. Then what?”

“Well, I traded copies for stuff, movies, other games, realm coins, you name it. Everybody wanted it!”

“Realm coins?”

“Oh those are an in game currency for Blue Pond, a Plath online game. You aren’t supposed to buy or trade outside the game for them but everybody does it.”

“Ok, so we have software piracy. Not usually something to put someone on the run, unless your system is really strict or something.”

“Nah, they were so clueless that they really didn’t know how much of it was going on… at least at first...”

“Oh?”

“Ok. Here’s what happened next,” Sheloran said getting angry, “Some basement dwelling... butthole... went on a shooting spree and killed like a dozen Plath. Never mind that he had real problems, should have been in jail except his parents had some pull, and somehow got his grubby little pads on a class three blaster… Oh that didn’t matter. They found a copy of Federation Fun Time on his computer and everybody lost their pooping minds! He had a pooping game so that was the problem.”

Sheloran huffed in annoyance.

“So anyway like I said everybody lost their pooping minds and were saying that the game was the reason he did it. Of course the whole Republic PSYOPS thing came up and one mention of you flushing guys and it was flushing pitchfork time. They started tracing the game back and actually started arresting people. They even got pooping Federation Intelligence involved and the poo-heads actually showed up. Everyone was looking for the evil monster who brought such horror to their perfect little world… That would be me by the way.” Sheloran ranted. “They were even saying that they when they caught the person responsible (that was me) that I was going to be charged as an accessory for all of those deaths and they were even talking charging me with gross perversion and treason and poop.”

“So, software piracy and now accessory to multiple Plathcides, treason, and ‘gross perversion’?” the chief asked absolutely overjoyed. Oh this was getting good. Sheloran was so mad she didn’t even notice Agent Klostn typing up a storm.

“They were talking about locking up the ‘treasonous pervert’ for life… Flush that! I didn’t want to spend the rest of my flushing life in a flushing prison. It was time to get the poop out of there!”

“Makes perfect sense. I would hit the road too. So how did you escape? If Fed Intel was on the case they would find you pretty quick.”

“I ran pretty quick,” Sheloran replied. “I figured that booking passage on a passenger liner wouldn’t be a good idea, like in Grand Theft Vehicle? If you get a level two wanted rating or higher you can’t use a liner to escape a system. You have to go underground and bribe a freighter captain.”

“So you based your escape on ‘Grand Theft Vehicle’?” The chief just squinted his eyestalks in amazement.

“Uh-huh,” Sheloran replied. “And it worked too!”

“I see… Anything else? This story doesn’t sound like it’s over.”

“Well no,” Sheloran responded. “Well I didn’t have any pooping cash. I didn’t have enough for a liner and I certainly didn’t have enough to bribe anyone...”

“Here it comes...” the chief said to Klostn. “So what did you do?”

“Well, I had just enough for a stunner...”

The chief was almost holding his breath in excitement.

“That one?” He asked pointing at the bright purple zapper.

“Well, yeah, but I hadn’t hacked it yet. It was just a stunner.”

“And what did you do with the stunner?”

“Um… I robbed a bank.”

“You robbed a bank...”

“Yeah...” Sheloran said sheepishly. “I kinda had to. It was the only way I knew how to get the pooping creds. I had to somehow get across the entire pooping Federation and that wasn’t going to be cheap.”

“No I suppose not...” the chief said almost giggling. “So how did you do it?”

“Well, I worked in a bank so I knew how things worked,” Sheloran said, “So I picked a nice big branch in a city near a train stop, put on this huge bonnet that hid my face, and just walked in and asked to withdraw some creds from my account.”

“Then what?”

“Once the teller entered the password and fingerprint… pew! I hit her with the stunner. Then I spun around and pew pew! I got the security guard and then pew! The bank manager got one. I then jumped over the counter and downloaded the entire pooping buffer and got the poop out of there! Then I took off the big-ass bonnet I was wearing and just walked to the train.”

“Ok… so now we have armed robbery and an actual bank robbery!” the chief exclaimed absolutely beside himself with delight. “I’m almost afraid to ask. How exactly did a bank teller pull off rapid fire accurate shots like that? I assume the guard had a stunner. You had to hit the teller and then hit the guard before he could get a shot off.”

“I had a friend in Slolmothu, it was the nearest city to where I lived, who had a pooping awesome VR rig. Oh scum, it was nice! We would all hang out and game all weekend, especially when I showed up with Federation Fun Time!”

“Of course. So how much did you grab?”

“Um… Two hundred and thirty-eight thousand credits...”

“What?!?!? Damn! Armed robbery, bank robbery, and armed level one grand theft… When you decided to stray from the straight and narrow you didn’t fuck around did you.”

“I had to get gone! I figured that they were going to lock me up for life anyway so why not pooping do it right? It’s not like I killed anyone...”

“Yet,” the chief said as Sheloran fidgeted once again. He pointed to the zapper. “It looks like that got some use. You aren’t going to insult my intelligence and tell me it was target practice are you?”

“...”

“Well?”

Sheloran sighed heavily. “Ok it went like this. I was having to hang out in some really shady places and I figured that a little stunner wouldn’t cut it. Any armor at all would stop the little pooper I had so I hacked it and jacked up the output and removed the stun modulator and replaced it with a charge emitter from a mini-cooker and presto, one zapper.”

“I didn’t know you could do it that way. Huh, learn something new every day. And you learned this from what… that game?”

“Outland Bound,” Sheloran said helpfully.

“And?”

“Well the first jump went ok. I found some Threen who had a little ship who were happy to get me a few systems over and boy was that a relief!” she said, “And then, problem. There were these two humans who said that they had a freighter and were heading to the Republic and they wanted a pile of credits but I had them, obviously.” Sheloran laughed nervously. “Anyway I was supposed to meet them in a docking bay that night. When I got there they were standing outside and they started throwing off some bad ripples. They started asking all sorts of questions, who I was, why did I want to go to the Republic, how much money I had on me, that sort of thing. Thing is it was dark but I could see that there was nothing in the flushing docking bay. These big anime eyes aren’t just for flushing show, y’know,” she fidgeted as she spoke, “Anyway, I told them that I changed my mind and one of them made a grab for me and the other went for something.”

“And pew, pew?” the captain asked.

“Pew, pew. They both went down hard and I got the poop out of there!”

“Good call… So now we have software piracy, accessory to multiple Plathcides, treason, gross perversion, armed robbery, bank robbery, armed level one theft, and two possible homicides… Shit, girl...”

Agent Klostn’s keyboard was just merrily clattering away.

“After that everybody was really nice to me,” Sheloran said as she fidgeted, “People offered to buy me drinks, started introducing me to people, actually helping me where before they wouldn’t even talk to me.”

“Makes perfect sense. Word travels fast in pits like those. After you threw down some electrons you were ‘legit’.”

“Yeah, just like in Grand Theft Vehicle! Anyway, that’s when Captain Hollister walked up and offered me a ride. He seemed ok so I climbed aboard and that’s how I got here.”

“Well… that’s a whole lot of crimes. I mean we usually don’t sweat the small stuff but that isn’t small stuff. That’s big stuff.”

Sheloran looked like she was about to cry.

“But… Hell, it was pure Federation bullshit that got the ball rolling and frying a couple of porkies is actually a plus. Welcome to the Republic!”

“Welcome!” Agent Klostn said as he started a new form.

“Really?” Sheloran asked in a squeaky voice.

“Really. Sounds like you will make one hell of a citizen,” the chief said with a wiggle of his eyestalks, “Just don’t go robbing any banks, ok?”

“Deal!” Sheloran squeaked.

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